If I told you I’m Autistic…
Would you see me differently?
Would your perception of me change?
It’s tough bringing up this conversation, Yet I believe I must. How can I hide in the shadows while others are working so hard to bring awareness to the world. Is it because I fear the same rejection I had experience throughout my life?
I’m often seen as an eccentric, obsessive, extreme, often misguided, gullible, short fused, walking time bomb. “Quick, everyone, hide, Naomi’s coming to town!”
Yes I’m gullible, I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I fall for scams and am easily misled. I get excited about the simplest pleasures and lose my cool over something that could have been resolved quite easily. Associations play a huge roll in my existence. A specific song, smell, an image that can set me off into a tailspin. Even if the event happened years ago, the association of it can send me into a depression from hell out of nowhere for weeks on end.
I get distracted easily and I forget I’m cooking and move on to the next thing that caught my attention. I boil almond milk over on a daily basis and burn food.
I can sometimes research obsessively for weeks and weeks on end. Then I get bummed out because it all went nowhere and I was back to square one. I’ve sure learn a lot. I’ve researched the craziest stuff, hahaha!
Painting has been my lifesaver, my best friend and comforter for as long as I can remember. I don’t think I would have survived without the passion to paint. It’s the one thing I know I can do well. I taught myself to paint, but it can be very challenging as I have such a short attention span, it takes me a long time to complete the task at hand and stay focused.
Sometimes I hand money over to the teller before I’ve place my order…This can be so embarrassing. Right away that person is aware that I’m not like other people. Sigh 😦 Facial recognition is sometimes a tough one for me, I’ve introduced myself to the same person 3 times. How embarassing.
I don’t believe I’m older than 19 years, possibly younger. It’s so difficult for me to relate to this older woman staring back at me in the mirror. It’s almost confusing. It’s even more confusing reading about myself that someone else had writen. Being referred to as a 50 year old woman confused me and I felt as if I was reading about someone else. I’ve never referred to myself as a woman, always a Girl. Looking in the mirror can be very tough for me. I’ve wished my life away because I can’t relate to this older person. It’s not me. I feel trapped. I workout obsessively to beat this aging body into submission. I can’t bare how aging has trashed my once youthful appearance. I’m so self conscious because of this I can’t bare to leave the house. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
I never leave the house. I eat the same foods day in a day out. I don’t like crowds and rarely socialize. I don’t know how to.
I never know what to say???
I’m a black and white thinker. There is no grey area for me. It’s either black or white. Sitting on the fence is a very difficult concept for me to grasp.
It’s really difficult for me to read social cues. Although I think I can tell when someone is disinterested in anything I have to say. I don’t understand insincerity. It confuses me. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like it when people drop by unannounced and spring something on me out of nowhere. I can’t handle that. I can get extremely stressed out to a point where I don’t want to live. Not because I want to die, but because I want the anguish and the pain or association to go away. I feel Extreme emotions. Everything is extreme. Many Sensory issues like bright lights, certain smells, fabrics on my skin, loud noises, and even talking can be so much bigger and louder than life that it throws me into a tailspin. It causes confusion and chaos in my brain.
Sometimes all of this can be so overwhelming, I find myself wanting to escape and hide for extended periods of time.
Prejudice for lack of understanding is a dangerous place. It’s a tiring, lonely place.
I hope that one day, acceptance and community support will save so many of us from a secret life of torment and utter loneliness.